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Topic: A joke for the weekend  (Read 2657 times)

  • Syav
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A joke for the weekend
Post any funny pics, quotes, dialogues, etc.

  • Syav
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Re: A joke for the weekend
Reply #1

Re: A joke for the weekend
Reply #2

  • Syav
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Re: A joke for the weekend
Reply #3

Re: A joke for the weekend
Reply #4
What did God say when Eve jumped in the lake?   ↓↓↓↓↓↓↓↓↓↓↓↓

















A guy goes to buy a train ticket, and the girl selling tickets has an incredible set of jugs.
He says, "Give me two pickets to Titsburgh...umm...I mean, two tickets to Pittsburgh."

He's really embarrassed, and the guy in line behind him says,

"Relax, pal, we all make Freudian slips like that.

Just the other day at the breakfast table I meant to say to my wife, 'Please pass the sugar,' but I accidentally said,
'You ugly  bitch, you wrecked my freekin' life!!!!'" 

Oh yeah......God said:   Festering Fastoids, now all the fish are going to smell like that! 

                                            

  • Luxor
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Re: A joke for the weekend
Reply #5
A little old lady is walking down the street dragging two large plastic black bags behind her.
One of the bags rips, and every once in a while a £20 note falls out onto the pavement.
Noticing this, a policeman stops her, and says, "Madam, There are £20 notes falling out of your bag."
"'Oh, really? Darn!" says the little old lady. "I'd better go back, and see if I can find them. Thanks for telling me.."
"Well, now, not so fast," says the policeman. "How did you get all that money? You didn't steal it, did you?"
"Oh, no", says the little old lady. "You see, my back yard is right next to the football stadium parking lot.
On game days, a lot of fans come and pee through the fence into my flower garden.
So, I stand behind the fence with my hedge clippers.
Each time some guy sticks his member through the fence, I grab it and say, "£20 or off it comes."
"Well, that seems only fair." laughs the policeman. "OK? Good Luck! Oh, by the way, what's in the other bag?''
"Well, you know", says the little old lady, "not everybody pays."
The start and end to every story is the same. But what comes in between you have yourself to blame.

  • Syav
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Re: A joke for the weekend
Reply #6

  • Luxor
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Re: A joke for the weekend
Reply #7
A night out.


We were dressed and ready to go out for a Dinner & Theatre evening.

We turned on a 'night light', turned the answering machine on, covered
our pet budgie and put the cat in the backyard.

We phoned the local taxi company and requested a taxi.

The taxi arrived, and we opened the front door to leave the house.

As we walked out the door, the cat we had put out in the yard darted
back into the house.

We didn't want the cat shut in the house because she always tries to
get at the budgie.

My wife walked on out to the taxi, while I went back inside to get the
cat.

The cat ran upstairs, with me in hot pursuit.

Waiting in the cab, my wife didn't want the driver to know that the
house will be empty for the night so, she explained to the taxi driver
that I would be out soon. "He's just going upstairs to say good-bye to my mother."

A few minutes later, I got into the cab. "Sorry I took so long," I
said, as we drove away. "That stupid bitch was hiding under the bed. I
had to poke her arse with a coat hanger to get her to come out. She
tried to take off, so I grabbed her by the neck. Then, I had to wrap
her in a blanket to keep her from scratching me. But it worked! I
hauled her downstairs and threw her out into the backyard!
She'd better not crap in the vegetable garden again!"

The silence in the Taxi was deafening.
The start and end to every story is the same. But what comes in between you have yourself to blame.

  • Luxor
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  • Global Moderator
Re: A joke for the weekend
Reply #8
A man received the following text from his neighbour:

I am so sorry Bob. I've been riddled with guilt and I have to confess.
I have been tapping into your wife, day and night when you're not around. In fact, more than you.
I'm not getting any at home, but that's no excuse.
I can no longer live with the guilt and I hope you will accept my sincerest apology with my promise that it won't happen again.

The man, anguished and betrayed, went into his bedroom, grabbed his gun, and without a word, shot his wife and killed her.

A few moments later, a second text came in:

Damn predictive text. I meant "wifi", not "wife".
The start and end to every story is the same. But what comes in between you have yourself to blame.

  • Syav
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Re: A joke for the weekend
Reply #9
:lol:  :whistle:

  • Syav
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Re: A joke for the weekend
Reply #10
1st snake: Hope I'm not poisonous.
2nd snake: Why?
1st snake: Because I bit my lips.

  • Luxor
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Re: A joke for the weekend
Reply #11
The start and end to every story is the same. But what comes in between you have yourself to blame.

  • Syav
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Re: A joke for the weekend
Reply #12
Mick Jagger at the pharmacy.

Mick Jagger: "Can I substitute my medication for a marijuana prescription, please."
Pharmacist: "♪You can't always get what what you want.♪"

  • Luxor
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Re: A joke for the weekend
Reply #13
Ha-ha. I'm old enough to get that one. 
The start and end to every story is the same. But what comes in between you have yourself to blame.

  • Syav
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Re: A joke for the weekend
Reply #14

  • Luxor
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Re: A joke for the weekend
Reply #15
 :D
The start and end to every story is the same. But what comes in between you have yourself to blame.

  • Syav
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Re: A joke for the weekend
Reply #16
Since it's Halloween month thought I'll share my fav Dracula comedy :sherlock:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YKZC50ghRkk&feature=youtube_gdata_player