The rules are simple, post a stupid answer to the previous person's question and then post a stupid question.
Q: Why is the sky blue?
A: Because the Elephants asked first.
Q: Can you boil an egg?
A: Only in government allowed areas.
OK Simple enough? Then I shall begin. :)
Q: Why does day turn into night?
A: Because the sun goes to sleep.
Q: Why do birds sing on a tree?
A: To make the penguins jealous.
Q: What do you take for a headache?
A: Fried rice, because a chinese philosopher said it is a healthy diet.
Q: What you do when you can't sleep?
A: Stalk my neighbour.
Q: How do aircraft stay in the sky?
A: Using a bunch of baloons filled with helium gas, in case the aircraft runs out of fuel.
Q: Why is it cold in the winter?
A: So the snowmen can come out to play.
Q: Who invented the telephone?
A: Teenagers who wanted to talk on the phone.
Q: How does garlic grow?
A: By mixing it with white chalk, because garlic needs to stay white while it grows.
Q: Why do people always watch TV when they're at home?
A: To ward off evil.
Q: How many trees are there in a forest?
Only a Forest Elf knows the answer.
How many clouds are there up in the sky?
A: Just the two, one for day and one for night.
Q: What is the best way to cook a steak?
A: Give it tickets to a rock concert.
Q: Why do people cut their nails?
A. So their hammering skills can improve.
Q. How many nuts are there in a bag of peanuts?
A: One. Just the person eating them. :P
Q: Why can some animals talk while others can't?
A. It all has to do with the way their lips pucker when they pronounce some sounds like W when they try to say swwwwwwweeeeet. Dobermans have no problem, while Orangutangs have a distinct disadvantage.
Q. Have you had any sexual relations with anyone in this thread, & why?
A: A gentleman like myself would never reveal such information unless there is financial reward promised.
Q: What is the oddest thing in your pockets?
A: It has a hole that connects all the way down to my socks.
Q: What did Merlin The Magician say when he saw The Loch Ness Monster?
A: We're going to need a bigger boat.
Q: What is the correct way to extinguish a fire?
A: Wait for the firemen .
Q: What did the sheep say to the shepherd?
A. Hey Saheed, don't touch me there fella!
Q. How long would it take for a 1 legged grasshopper to kick all the pits out of a watermelon?
A: Six hours and fifteen minutes, unless it stops for a coffee now and again when it should really be focused on the task.
Q: Why do hot chillies make your eyes water?
A: Because your eyes think you're crying when you eat hot chillies.
Q: Why does sugar taste sweet?
A: Because it's filtered through a honeybees bottom.
Q: How do magnets work?
A: By placing them against anything metal.
Q: Why are there different eye colors?
A: Because the first time you open your eyes, the colour of the first thing you see is imprinted on your iris.
Q: How high is high?
A: Err...when it's high enough to reach the sky?
Q: What did Armstrong say to himself when he reached the moon?
A. My kidneys are bustin'!!!!!
Q. If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?
A: It prevents chafing so it's pretty much a standard requirement.
Q: Is a cup of coffee really a good way to start the day?
A: Yes. Because that's what Merlin said to Arthur before he became King.
Q: What did Indiana Jones wanted to say when he saw Hitler but couldn't say it?
A: I love your mustache.
Q: What is the secret to a good risotto?
A. The proper balance of Wallpaper Glue & Goats Cheese.
Q. Can we spell creativity however we want?
A: Unless it's for an exam you can spell it any which way you like.
Q: What are jellyfish really made of?
A. Flavasham & Gismoich
Q. If the President were homosexuil, would his husband be the 'first man'?
A: Of course not. Because the President is experienced in political, and other types of affairs.
Q: Why do bats sleep during the day but up and about at night?
A. Sunshine sensitive Hemorrhoids ................... because inquisitive minds needed to know.
Q. If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the others drown too? (https://www.smileyfaze.tk/slides/hmm.gif)
A: It depends when the drowning occurred, if in practice then no but if in competition and a medal is at stake then they must all go together.
Q: Is there a practical use for belly button fluff?
A: It's something for little kids to play with when they're bored.
Q: Why does the sun rise from the East?
A: It's a safety measure and has been that way since the Icarus incident.
Q: What is the dough from the hole of a doughnut used for?
A: It's actually invisible but still there, so it's used to fatten up donut eaters even more than they think.
Q: Why are there right-handed people?
A: Because there's still a surplus of right-handed screwdrivers that need to be used up before left-handed use becomes compulsory.
Q: Why do giraffes have such long necks?
A: I don't know, I never asked.
Q: Why do apples have pips?
A: Because they have Great Expectations.
Q: Why do rats love avocados?
A: Because rats think that avocados keep the cats away.
Q: Why do we have a moon orbiting the Earth?
A: Because an orange would just look ridiculous.
Q: When is the best time to ask for a wage rise?
A: During Xmas holidays, because that's when you need extra money for Xmas shopping.
Q: Why do volcanoes erupt?
A: Indigestion, it's just the mountain having a good burp.
Q: Where do bees go in the winter?
A: To Africa, where they are educated to become killer bees.
Q: When is it appropriate to eat peanut butter?
A: On Satayday
Q: What causes Sunlight?
A: An extremely big, high voltage lightbulb in outer space.
Q: Why did kamikaze pilots wear helmets?
A: To protect their head when their plane crash.
Q: Why do tree leaves change colors in Autumn?
A: To reveal the elephants sitting on the branches.
Q: Who does Santa send his Christmas wish list to?
A: To Rudolph the Red Nose Ranger, who delivers all the Christmas wishlist while we're asleep.
Q: Why do we get dreams when we're asleep?
A: Due to those pesky aliens and their probes, of course they only arrive when we sleep.
Q: Does eating cheese before bedtime really give you nightmares?
A: No, but if you eat too much cheese before bedtime your stomach might get nightmares.
Q: Why do cows like to eat grass?
A: It tastes of chocolate to them.
Q: Do skyscrapers actually scrape the sky?
A: Of course, why do you think clouds are in such a hurry to have their backs scratched?
Q: Are digital watches old-fashioned?
A: Yes, because more and more people are switching back to the classic analog /dial watches.
Q: Is spending too much time on the internet bad for your health?
A. Depends how pointy the Internet is that you're sittin' on.
Q. If a fork were made of gold would it still be considered silverware?
A: Only if the gold is silver plated and what idiot would do such a thing.
Q: Why do dogs chase their tails?
A: Because they're trying to reach for their tail.
Q: Do witches really carry a broomstick?
A: Of course not. Everyone uses vacuum cleaner now, including witches.
Q: Why is Genarro cooking so good?
A: He adds magic mushrooms to every recipe.
Q: Do jumping beans really jump?
A: Not all jumping beans actually jump. Mexican jumping beans for instance, prefer to do the mexican samba.
Q: Why do vampires like to drink blood?
A: It goes well with all the vodka they drink, makes the ideal Bloody Mary apparently.
Q: Are "smart phones" smart at all?
A: If you have to ask, they're smarter than you.
Q: How is Ashton Kutcher in real life?
A: A bit like a Smurf.
Q: What is the best material to use to build a bridge?
A: I think steel is the best material, as long as you're not using glue to hold the bridge in place.
Q: How come UFOs don't have wings like airplanes?
A. Because unlike butterfly wings, a UFO has a thin lining of Prairie Dog fur on it's forward antenna. (https://www.smileyfaze.tk/thumbs/drink%20vino.gif)
Q. Why don't the hairs on your armpits get split ends?
A: Because you never use curling tongs on them.
Q: Why do you always get an itch on a part of your body you can't reach?
A. (https://thedndsanctuary.eu/imagecache.php?image=http%3A%2F%2Fi.imgur.com%2FB1fBTZq.jpg&hash=ed3e56a143935495fc3dd1194d35b0c2" rel="cached" data-warn="External image, click here to view original" data-url="http://i.imgur.com/B1fBTZq.jpg) Is he jokin' or what? There's a wise ass in every crowd!
Q. If you don't pay the exorcist, do you get repossessed?
A: Of course, you get nothing for free not in this world.
Q: Do spiders think that our web is better than theirs?
A: What, did you think Tim Berners-Lee was human?
Q: Who is Charles Dickens?
A: Mrs Dickens' husband.
Q: How hard is rock hard?
A: Harder than a jellyfish.
Q: What's a screwdriver?
A rapist cabbie. About $2.97
Q. If all the worlds a stage, where does the audience park their ass?
A: All the people are players, so no sitting down for anyone.
Q: Where is the end of the world?
A: Charted in Mayan calendar, but that one has already passed.
Q: Why do Talibans wear turban?
A. They need to stow the toilet paper somewhere ya know!
Q. If you mated a Bulldog with a Shitsu what would you get?
A: A Korean banquet.
Q: Do you have to pay rent if you live in an igloo?
No, unless your igloo is owned by a landlord who is into the Real Estaste business of buying and selling igloos.
Q: Does Santa get fined if he's caught drinking while riding his Xmas sleigh?
A: No he's just a passenger, it's the reindeer that do the driving.
Q: Is flatulence a sign that you've enjoyed your meal?
A: Yes, and if you fart three times after a meal you get to make a wish.
Q: How come male lions have long hair and female lions don't?
A: They just can't master the art of using scissors and have given up trying.
Q: Why are the jokes in Xmas crackers so bad?
A: They're all racist.
Q: Where does rain come from?
A: From a sprinkler system at the top of Mount Everest.
Q: Do birds find feathers ticklish?
A: Terribly, that's why they're always fluttering about.
Q: What is Android's best feature?
A. It's eyebrows
Q.. Who is the north Pole?
A. Jacek Karpiński
Q. Do dentists go to other dentists, or do they just drill themselves? (https://www.smileyfaze.tk/slides/maisjesuisbete.gif)
A Dentists are like Rabbits - they just keep screwing each other.
Q Why do birds fly?
A: Because they can't drive.
Q: Do aliens wonder if there's life on Earth?
A. Quite frankly Scarlet, they don't give a damn.
Q. At a movies which arm rest is yours?????
A: The ones I kick the person in the next seat to mine off of.
Q: In a zombie apocalypse what are your chances of survival?
A: 99.9%. If you're unlucky you'll get your head bashed in by a non-zombie.
Q: How do serial killers choose their victims?
A: They follow the 'first come first serve' rule of thumb to choose their victims.
Q: How come Santa doesn't reappear on New Year's Eve?
A: He does but he dresses up as old father time.
Q: Did the Beatles live in a yellow submarine?
A: Submarines don't exist, silly.
Q: Why is Chicago called the windy city?
A: Due to the bean consumption of the entire populace.
Q: Have you ever seen a walking stick walk?
A: Yup. For some reason they lean on old people for support.
Q: Is herbal tea actually tea?
A: No! It is a vile pretender which should be banished back to hell where it came from.
Q: Would roundabouts be useful on a railway?
A: How else would you go around the church (http://nl.wikipedia.org/wiki/Rondje_om_de_kerk)?
Q: How long does it take to solve a Rubrick's Cube?
A: It can never be solved, you may think you have solved it but you haven't really solved it at all.
Q: How long is a piece of string?
A: A piece of string may have 'strings attached' to it so you can't really measure it's actual length.
Q: Why do stars appear only at night and not during the day?
A: Stars are shy creatures, even if they look confident on film.
Q: Was pasta invented by the Romans?
Q. What's your firearm of choice during Tourist Season?
Q: Why did no one hear the big bang?
A: It was named ironically. It was actually a tiny crackle.
Q: Scooby Dooby Doo, where are you?
A: In the closet with Daphne.
Q: How does the tide know when to come in?
A: It comes in when the sea is wet.
Q: Who wins at Pong?
A: Ping. That's how the word Ping Pong was created.
Q: Why do we yawn when we get bored or sleepy?
A: Just in case there are any dentists in the area, in the faint hope of getting a free check-up.
Q: Do butterflies eat margarine?
A: Yes but they prefer butter mixed with jam.
Q: Do ghosts like to watch horror movies?
A: Only if they got the part.
Q: What's better? Hazulnut or walnut?
A: Actually cashew nuts, or any nuts that won't drive you nuts.
Q: What did people in the Middle Ages use before toilet paper was invented?
Q: Was the black widow spider ever really married?
A: No, it's a euphemism for nymphomania.
Q: Who's afraid of Virginia Woolf?
A: Sheep farmers everywhere.
Q: What sank the Titanic?
Q: Is ink expensive?
A: Not at all, just squeeze a squid and you can get what you want for free.
Q: Are pine trees always pining?
A. Only when they're not passin' gas!
Q. Why is the word for "a fear of long words," hippopotomonstrosesquippedaliophobia, so long?
A: It's actually an abbreviation of a much longer word, so it's quite short.
Q: Why is a red pen red?
A. Because if it causes worts frogs would be on the dole.
Q. What does tar-baby have to do with cough syrup?
A: Tar makes you cough.
Q: How delicious is Marmite?
A: About as delicious as consuming the entire contents of a sewage plant.
Q: Is cutting both your hands off at the wrist an effective aid in a diet regime?
A: Perhaps, or you could try Klingon gagh (http://www.cafepress.com/+klingon_gagh_large_poster,675369473) and you won't have to eat for several days afterwards.
Q: Do eskimos like to eat ice-cream?
A: Yes it raises their body temperature, so it's a vital resource of heat for them.
Q: Why do nettles sting?
A: To protect themselves, but sea nettles sting and sing sea songs.
Q: Do cats go out on a date before they decide to mate?
A: Even a mating date is a date.
Q: Is water blue or yellow?
A: Neither it's pee-green which is really no surprise with all them fish piddling in it.
O: Why is frost white?
A: Just like snow, frost is white so that we can have a White Christmas.
Q: If there's another civilization on Alpha Centauri, will they appear just like humans?
A: No, they will appear like Alpha Centaurians.
Q: Why don't bubblegum bubbles float?
A: Because they stick on the bottom
Q: Why are gnomes small?
A: So they can sit comfortably on a toadstool without destroying it.
Q: Why do crabs walk sideways?
A: Because crabs write stuff on the ground while they're walking sideways.
Q: Why did the Chinese build The Great Wall of China?
A: Because they were jealous of Hadrian's Wall.
Q: What is the secret of a tomato?
A: It's actually a biscuit.
Q: Why is "Open other end" written on the bottom of milk bottles?
A: To mess with you. That's where they actually open.
Q: What is byslexai?
A: A form of dyslexia that only affects bisexuals.
Q: Can root beer really be called a beer?
A: Beer is a state of mind.
A: No, somebody farted. (https://dl.dropboxusercontent.com/u/253164678/Farting.gif)
Q: Are crystal balls a serious medical condition?
A: Only if you break them.
Q: Is chapstick secretly lipstick?
A: No it's actually glue, a failed glue but glue nonetheless.
Q: Why is it that only earthmen enter the Mr. Universe (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/AAU_Mr._Universe) contest?
A: All extraterrestrials are women.
Q: What are watches for?
A: Keeping Deathwatch beetles busy.
Q: Can a can cancan?
A: A can can cancan!
Q: Where's my Amoras comic?
A: In the middle of your Penthouse magazine, as pretending to be read that is socially more acceptable.
Q: Why is a champagne flute so called if you can't play a single note on it?
No you can't, but if you drink enough champagne you may hear all kinds of musical notes from it.
Q: Why do elephants have long nose?
A: So they can reach their handkerchief in their back pocket.
Q: Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the tube?
A: Because it's not set up for it
Q: Who bends bananas?
A: The woman who always stands in front of me at the fruit counter.
Q: What do badgers have for lunch?
A: These (http://app.nventree.co.uk/Media/Resize/Custom/eb36320885904e9087747391bf735e9b.jpg?maxWidth=400)
Q: Who is the Man in the Moon?
A: David Bowie is always falling places (http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0074851/), so it must be him.
Q: Who is David Bowie?
A: He was the inventor of the Bowie knife.
Q: What's the difference between Coca‑Cola and Pepsi?
A: Pepsi contains an extract from coca leaves, cocaine, while Coca-Cola contains peptides.
Q: If humans are animals and a product hasn't been tested on animals, does that mean it hasn't been tested at all?
A: The best person to answer that is a mouse
B: Given that 6 minus the first number I though of is negative, what is my number?
A: 100. I've always thought that 76 was a rather negative number.
Q: What's the best video game ever made?
A: Extreme tiddlywinks simulator. But it was feared that the general public would never understand it, so it was never released.
Q: If a hole suddenly appears in the middle of the road do the police look into it?
A: No, because Sherlock will be the first to look into it.
Q: Why do people snore in their sleep?
A: Because they should hold their nose while sleeping, like I do.
Q: Why don't people in Las Vegas know how to drive (seriously, some days I pass two accidents in about the 3 miles I'm on the I-15 freeway...x_x)
A: Because Mr. Magoo (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Mr._Magoo) was their driving instructor.
Q: Must ventriloquists put their hand up everything?
A:Hands up everyone who thinks he answer is "yes"
Q:Is this a stupid enough question?
A: If you have to ask then obviously not.
Q: Why are feet so ticklish?
So we ticklish folk have an excuse when we kick people. :P
Why don't snakes/worms have legs?
How could you have missed them?
A: Lack of visible footwear on the worms possibly confused Mandi for a second.
Q: What is it about the abominable snowman that makes him so abominable?
His dirty mouth. :o
Why is the organ that pumps blood throughout your body called a heart if it isn't in the shape of one?
Because one of its legs are both the same.
Have you ever felt this way before?
A: Of course not, no one has as it's an unknown and as yet unexplained feeling.
Q: Should vehicles only be permitted to make left turns?
A: Yes, because clearly the world should go in circles. :rolleyes: :left:
Q: Why did the chicken cross the road?
Mod edit. Post fixed.
** ...confused with Colonel Rebel's post ** ::)
** ...confused with Colonel Rebel's post ** ::)
I second that!
** ...confused with Colonel Rebel's post **
Colonel Rebel had somehow quoted the first post, fixed it for you all. (https://dl.dropboxusercontent.com/u/253164678/ThumbGood2.gif)
To get us back on track......
Q: Why did the chicken cross the road?A:
Well it was that or burrow a tunnel underneath the road and being a lazy chicken he took the easy option.Q:
Does a Pilot whale have to have a pilots licence?
A: Of course, that's why their babies are known as pilot whales in training.
Q: Is our planet shaped more like a pizza or a hamburger?
A: Well it's obviously not a hamburger as we would never find a bun big enough to put it on.
Q: Are two wheels better than one?
* Apologies for the confusion; I had gotten all of 5 hours of sleep in a 48 hour period. *
A: Of course; is this Ringling Bros. Circus or something?
Q: Why does Italy resemble a boot?
A: It was that or a sock and there was no way the stylish Italians would agree to a country that resembled a sock. That would have been absurd.
Q: Do you think money grows on trees?
A: No. It stays the same size.
Q: Did you see where I left my keys?
A: I did and if you want my opinion it was a damned silly place to put them.
Q: Does spinach make you look like Popeye the Sailor Man?
A: It probably would. That's why I have never eaten any.
Q: Are we nearly there yet?
A: Of course not, but what do you expect if your going the wrong way.
Q: Where do Squirrels hide their nuts?
A: In Brazil
Q: Why are there no submersible helicopters?
A: Because they would create far too many whirlpools for the oceans to deal with,.
Q: What do sheep count if they can't sleep
A: One shepherd...two shepherds...three shepherds...
Q: How come Batman doesn't drink blood like bats do?
A: He's not really into drinking blood, but if he ever gets the notion he can just pop down to the local blood bank..
Q: How high can a flea jump?
A: I'm itching to tell you,
Q: but which of all those fleas are you referring to?
A: The well-known high jump champion of all fleas, the one they call Bert.
Q: Does garlic keep vampires away?
Nope, only in the movies. If vampires exist, they probably prefer garlic to make the blood tastier.
Q: Why do roosters crow in the morning?
A: Because they haven't yet mastered the art of barking.
Q: Why does the camera never lie?
A: Because the camera can see but it can't speak.
Q: Do monkeys believe in Darwinism?
A: Only when bananas are mentioned, no bananas and they couldn't care less.
Q: Why are toboggan races always downhill?
A: Because it is too slow too race uphill.
Q: Where do ghosts get all their clothes?
A: Any establishment that serves spirits.
Q: Why do bats hang upside down?
A: So that the bats get a 'kick' when the blood they consumed rush to their head.
Q: What did people in the Middle Ages use to prevent bad breath?
A: The powdered horn of a Unicorn mixed with gin.
Q: Where do monkeys hide their bananas?
A: If anyone could answer that, they would no longer be hidden.
Q: Who invented the ejector seat for helicopters?
A. Not a kamikaze pilot. :P
Q. Why don't poor driver's have warning labels on their vehicles?
A: They do, it says Taxi.
Q: Why can't you see over the horizon?
A: Because you're not close enough.
Q: When are you most likely to see ghosts in the wild?
A: During full moon when vampires, werewolfs, and gremlins come out to play.
Q: Do ghosts like to watch horror movies?
A: Cartoons are more their thing, Casper being a particular favourite.
Q: Why do dogs bark?
A: Because dogs haven't figure out how to purr like cats.
Q: Why can't our eyes see in total darkness?
A: You can, you see darkness
Q: Why can't we have round computer screens?
A: The market (which would only consist of ex-sailors who like looking through portholes) is too small.
Q: Are poisonous snakes in danger if they bite their tongue?
A: No. That's why they have two. They spit out the bitten one and it re-grows.
Q: Are the conventions governing the use of the apostrophe as simple as they seem?
A: Ye's, th'eyre quite 'simple.
Q: Are there bad references?
A: Only from previous employers, so do your job well and you should avoid them.
Q: Would Cheetahs be a good source of fast food?
No. But if a cheetah can be trained, it can serve customers faster than any fast food worker.
Q: Do you get hyper if you drink too much coffee?
A: No, I'm always like this.
Q: How do they put the bubbles in champagne?
A: The bubbles are there to start with, you just pour in flat champagne.
Q: Why does :) come before ;) ?
A: Because if you ;) too much your face will stick.
Q: How do you expand your lexicon?
A: Incorporate a plethora of pompous polysyllabic exotic obfuscation.
Q: Why did Jesus, who probably spoke Aramaic, make a Greek pun on Peter's name?
A: He used Google Translate to appear more erudite.
Q: How do you sharpen a pencil?
A: You hire a Wordsmith
Q: Why does a buttered piece of toast fall butter down when you drop it?
A: The butter side is more aerodynamic than the unbuttered side so always goes reaches the ground the fastest.
Q: Who's afraid of the big bad wolf?
A: Anyone who is making a Piggy of themselves
Q: Why don't footballers wear skirts?
A: Because then they'd be too easy to tackle.
Q: What do you really want?
A: A room somewhere (far away from the cold night air)
Q: Is the Pope a Catholic?
A: No he's not allowed to be. I know this to be true because I read it on the internet somewhere and everything's true on there.
Q: Why do onions make your eyes water?
A: They don't if you peel them under water
Q: Why do I fold my arms with my right arm uppermost?
A: Because you're left-handed!
Q: Why does a nut crack?
A: Because if a nut doesn't crack, people would never see or hear such a thing as The Nutcracker ballet.
Q: Do animals listen to music?
A: Yes they really enjoy anything by the Monkees, the Byrds or the Beatles.
Q: Are you sitting comfortably?
A: I would be lying if I said I wasn't
Q: Why don't cows climb trees?
A: They're afraid of squirrels.
Q: How many jugs can a juggler juggle?
A: It depends if you are asking in a jocular vein.
Q: Are there any foods that contain pro-oxidants?
A: Yes, Beer, Beer and Beer.
Q: Why do Ossies like near-frozen Beer?
A: They like their temperatures down under.
Q: How many passes does it take?
A: Just one, any more is just showing off.
Q: Why do light bulbs die just when you need the light.
A: Why do light bulbs die? I could tell you but then I'd have to kill you.
Q: Why do flies like red wine?
A: They don't but as they are alcoholics they'll drink anything.
Q: Where did cavemen live?
A: In High Rise Appartments;
Q: well what would you call a cave half-way up a cliff?
A: Open for business.
Q: Do you need a beginning, middle, and an end?
A: Yes because if you don't then it didn't happen.
Q: Are vitamins really needed?
A: Of course they are; I get my vitamins from 2 pints of Guinness in the morning, and they make the world go round ..
.. and round
.. and round.
Q: Which birds fly backwards?
A: :pingu: 's of course.
Q: What would you call a fly if it didn't have wings?
A: Bird food.
Q: Why do chameleons change colour?
A: Because they are Turncoats
Q: Why are oranges Orange?
A: Some oranges are Yellow in color but since people kept calling them oranges, most oranges decide to keep their color Orange so that people won't get confused if they're supposed to be Yellow or Orange.
Q: How come there are ghosts but no cat ghosts or dog ghosts?
A: The dog ghosts are off chasing the cat ghosts
Q: Is the Man in the Moon mooning?
A: Contrary to popular belief that only happens during a full moon.
Q: What's the capital of Antarctica?
Q: How many cogs on a cogwheel?
A: A wheel's worth
Q: Should you give chimneys Nicorette in the spring to help them stop smoking?
A: Indeed you do, but not if they have the flue
Q: What have stinging nettles got to do with broadband speed?
A: Not a lot, though scientific research suggests that if you drink enough nettle wine, it does make everything seem faster.
Q: Why do stomachs make rumbling noises?
A: I'm afraid no-one has rumbled the answer to that question.
B: If it takes 6 goldfish to drink a cup of water, how much water do you need for a cup of fish soup?
A: Just a Dab.
Q: What makes a boomerang always come back?
A: It's that or get a dog.
Q: Who is Sylvia? What is she?
A: Her mothers daughter.
Q: Why does bread put in a toaster always burn on one side?
A: You need to get a toaster.
Q: Was it raining when the Universe began?
A: No, gravity had to happen first.
Q: Is there enough hours in a day?
No. Since there are 30 days in a month, there should also be 30 hrs in one day.
Q: If humans evolved from monkeys, where did cows come from?
Q: Is fly fishing the best way to catch flies?
A: Only if you take care to use rotting meat for bait.
Q: Can yeast rise too fast?
A: Yes, if that happens in beer, the beer gets ahead of itself.
B: Why are ? upside down in Spain¿
A: That's the correct way to do them, the rest of us are doing it wrong.
Q: Why is sandpaper only rough on one side?
A: It's cheaper to make that way
Q: Why do cats have nine lives?
A: Because when asked how many they wanted, they didn't think to say "infinite".
Q: If clouds are water, does that mean you can swim in them?
A: Sorry, no trick questions allowed.
Q: Why did the chicken cross the road?
A: Because chickens can never keep their word.
Q: Do trees go through puberty?
A: Only the ones with four limbs.
Q: Can you explain quantum chromodynamics?
A: Yes, but then I'd have to kill you
B: If an apple a day keeps the Doctor away, where does he go?.
A: To the hospital if he has the patience.
B: If a Zulu warrior has a spear, does it mean that he gets the shaft?
A: No, the idea of a spear is that you stick it in someone else.
Q: Which is more risk to your health: chocolates or newspapers? .... and why not?
A: Newspapers, you never hear of anyone getting a paper cut from chocolate.
Q: Why can you only get the Sunday papers on a Sunday?
A: I blame the Sunday news, for not happening earlier in the week.
Q: Why are wheels round?
A: Because God, in His infinite wisdom, wanted bicycles to ride smoothly.
Q: What's a Putin?
A: An instruction, first noted in the Kama Sutra.
Q: Is a Lemon just a mixed up Melon?
A: No it's a misspelt Beatle.
B: A raspberry is to Roast Beef as Putin is to. ... what?
Q: Who was the first organist?
A: The one with the biggest pipes.
B: Why don't politicians sing their speeches?
A: Robots can't sing yet.
Q: What magical substance is vaseline made of?
Q: How many pints does a ten gallon hat hold?
A: None. It all runs out through those little holes in the side.
Q: Why is a TV receiver called a "set' when there is only one of them?
A: Because there's one in my living room and one in my bedroom.
Q: What's another name for "boomerang"?
A: A Throwmecatchme
Q: Why is a half moon sideways?
A: To balance the other half moon.
Q: What do you call a wife who doesn't bully her husband?
A: A widow.
Q: When you lose your voice where does it go?
A: It does not go anywhere; the throat-croak takes charge and then it's a voice-over.
B: Where does the Sun go at night?
A: It gets folded and stacked with all the other recyclable papers.
Q: How do you eat a chop without getting a sharp bit poked into your left nostril?
A: Use the other hand.
Q: Which is the most iconic icon?
A: Betty Boop
Q: Why is a dry Martini wet?
A: It got it's name from someone with a dry sense of humour.
Q: Did the Romans have trolls in their forums?
A: Obviously. Where do you think trolls lived before the invention of stone bridges?
Q: Is the 'supreme bridge builder' the king of all trolls?
A: No, just the person they blame for everything.
Q: Why did Limp Bizkit tell people to "keep trollin' trollin' trollin' trollin'"?
A: because the Blues Brothers did it first :right:
Q: Do you play both kinds of music?
A: No, but I do play both notes.
Q: Why does some types of cheese have holes?
A: to make you pay for nothing
Q: how did they put the holes in there?
A: They didn't. The holes were always there. They just wrapped the cheese around them.
Q: If jam is usually made of fruit, what are log jams made of? Traffic jams?
A: Man's incompetence.
Q: Why do actors always exit stage left?
A: Because it wouldn't be right if they didn't.
Q: What sound does a worm make?
A: Most worms like to play drums.
Q: What's a fork for?
A: fork()ing, obviously.
Q: why are there so many spawns?
A: It's those damned molluscs to blame, they have such a high sex drive.
Q: What's the best cure for a headache?
Q: Who thinks up the unpronouncable names for medicines?
A: The makers of Scrabble, they use any letter tiles that are leftover at the end of the day.
Q: What's on the other side of a black hole?
A: A lot of bits and pieces rushing towards you.
Q: If wind blows from one country to another can the upwind country charge the other for breathing?
A: Yes it's called a windfall tax.
Q: Why do pigs have squiggly tails?
A: Because they evolved from porkscrews.
B: Why do submarines not have balconies?
A: Because the Captain doesn't want the crews to sit around fishing on the balcony.
Q: Why do we need a pillow when we sleep?
A: To keep our heads off the cold kitchen floor.
Q: Is someone who makes an error an errer?
A: That depends on whether the error is errorer than the earlier error
Q: How many fairies can dance on a pin?
A: I reckon no more than one. After seeing the impaled body of the first, the rest won't want to.
Q: How sweet is sweet almond oil?
A: As sweet as the lips of the woman of your dreams.
Q: Why does mother know best?
A: Because dad spends too much time watching sports on tv.
Q: Is planet Mars older than the Earth?
A: Yes but you're not allowed to say so as that's ageist.
Q: Why are some people scared of spiders?
(https://thedndsanctuary.eu/imagecache.php?image=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.spiderzrule.com%2Fspiders063%2FPicture%2520029.jpg&hash=d60686e2e01b633b11060d2bc16e0376" rel="cached" data-warn="External image, click here to view original" data-url="http://www.spiderzrule.com/spiders063/Picture%20029.jpg)
Q:Is more than four legs too many?
A: Not if you're a Centipede.
Q: Can Turtles jump?
A: Only if they're Ninja Turtles (http://www.scifinow.co.uk/wp-content/uploads/2014/03/static.squarespace-300x200.png)
Q: Why do our eyes blink every few seconds?
A: To get a bit of shut-eye.
Q: Why does the blackbird in my garden have some white feathers?
A: They turned white after one of the neighbourhood cats gave it a fright.
Q: When does a puddle become a pond?
A: When it reaches your knees.
B: You have heard of Brownian Motion, what is Polkadotian Motion?
A: and B: ? I'll have a pint of what you guys are on. (https://dl.dropboxusercontent.com/u/253164678/Cheers2.gif)(https://dl.dropboxusercontent.com/u/253164678/lol3.gif)
A: I'm sorry but you need administrator privileges to know that answer.
Q: Do bullets travel faster if you fire them downhill?
A: Slower, actually, because bullets are afraid of heights.
Z: How can you tell if you're on fire?
You can smell fried bacon, but you're not cooking any.Q:
Who killed the last Dodo?
A: Dada's Mama.
Q: Why do we call Praha Prague?
A: The first person to Praha Prague ha a coughand it was infectious.
Q: Why do Football games last for 90 minutes?
A: They're actually only one hour, but 30 minutes of it is ads.
Q: Who's Chrome?
A: Old-model American Cyborgs.
Q: Which wand is best?
A: The one that belonged to Merlin, as it's the only one not made of plastic.
Q: Who put the hole in the ozone?
A: Well the answer is right there in the question, just add the word "Doctor" to the beginning.
Q: Which is better, Tea or Coffee, and why?
A: Coffee, because I make a lousy cup of tea.
Q: Why does toffee stick to your teeth?
A: Because it won't stick on your lips.
Q: Why do teachers in school have to wear black shoes?
A: To match the black-board.
Q: Why are wheels round?
A: So they can fit inside tyres.
Q: Why do dentists ask you a question when they have your mouth full of implements?
A: The Dentist's biggest fear is feed-back.
Q: Why does Soccer use only one football?
A: Because most Soccer players can't handle two balls.
Q: Do fish ever get thirsty?
A. No - would you drink from your own toilet?
Q. Why does Red mean danger?
A: Because it's the Russian Red Army favorite color.
Q: How come helicopters don't have wings like airplanes?
A: Helicopters think it'd make them look fat.
Q: Why do vikings go a-plundering?
A: It beats working for a living.
Q: How many keys can you fit on a keyring?
A: Dunno, but it will be a round number.
Q: How do you stop a dog barking?
A: You teach it the art of mime.
Q: Why do horses eat out of nosebag's?
A: Horses used to eat with knife and fork, but at some point one of them dropped a fork, sat on it, and successfully sued the restaurant.
Q: How dangerous are thermometers?
A: Perfectly safe, as long as the nurse remembers exactly where she put it and knows how to safely retrieve it.
Q: What is the secret of a good pickle?
A: Make sure to spend too much money and you'll be in a good one.
Q: Are we in the Matrix?
Q: Why do you ask?
A: Reality can be confusing
Q: What is reality?
A: A figment of your imagination.
Q: Why is 6ft the recommended depth for a grave?
A: So that the Romans could have a regulation depth based on the height of their Goth slaves who were in it digging it. When they could no longer be seen, the grave was deep enough.
Q: Why are there not foot brakes in cars for nervous passengers?
A: It's a cost-saving measure.
Q: Is mayonnaise good for you?
A: Not if ingested no. But it's good for removing stains off silver, so all is not lost.
Q: How do Polar bears get warm?
A: They dance the polka.
Q: How much wine does an American drink?
A: No one knows, after 2 bottles they can't count
Q: Is using screw tops on wine bottles degenerate?
A: Only if you insist on using a corkscrew to open them.
Q: Why do boxers wear such large gloves?
A: To hide behind.
Q: Why is Sangria made from Red Wine?
A: Because they think white wine isn't sweet enough to make Sangria.
Q: Why is Japanese wine made of rice instead of grapes?
A: It's a case of mistaken identity.
Q: Do bees have knees?
A: Of course and they are the best knees of all known insects. This is why when something is good we say it's the bees knees.
Q: Why do some people put sugar in their tea?
A: It makes it go down in the most delightful way
Q: If you can have a coat of arms, can you have a pant of legs?
A: Naturally, but only the finest legs are used.
Q: What does a thermometer measure?
A: The internal measurements of a thermos flask.
Q: Which species are permitted to join the rat race?
A; Specious species.
Q: Why do boats ship water?
A: Because there's always someone rocking the boat.
Q: What is the best way to peel an onion?
A: Peel it really close to your face, because the art of peeling onions is to get your eyes watery.
Q: Do seagulls get seasick?
A: No but they get airsick
Q: Why do soldiers walk funny?
A: They have to wear tight kneesocks.
Q: Why did my stupid light break, including the stupid socket?
A: Sabotage! I would look out for any suspicious characters in your neighbourhood, if I were you.
Q: Why do you raise your arms if you surrender?
A: Armpit Display signifies friendly intentions.
Q: Why do women like flowers?
A: They're reminiscent of armpits.
Q: What needs alignment the most?
A: My neighbours garden fence.
Q: In which pocket should a pocket watch be kept?
A: In a pocket watch pocket.
Q: How sweet is sweet almond oil?
A: Exactly the same sweetness as the last time you asked (https://thedndsanctuary.eu/index.php?topic=38.msg15578#msg15578). (https://dl.dropboxusercontent.com/u/253164678/CheezyGrin.gif)
Q: How long is a fishing line?
A: Exactly the same sweetness as the last time you asked (https://thedndsanctuary.eu/index.php?topic=38.msg15578#msg15578).
Oh snap! I have this bottle sitting around on my desk... :right: :left: :right:
A: The length of one fish.
Q: Who's at home in the city?
A: Oh Rats!
Q: Why is the doughnut not shaped like a nut?
A: Because there's no nut shaped like a doughnut.
Q: Why is sea water salty?
A: To pickle all the fish.
Q: Why aren't red pens green?
A: Because they're ajar.
Q: Where were you when the lights went out?
A: Sitting in front of my computer waiting for the lights to come back on.
Q: Why do newly recruited marines have to shave their head?
A: Because they will be far too busy training, to have the time for haircare. So it's the best solution.
Q: Why do sporting winners get a gold medal?
A: It's actually an Old medal, the "g" is silent.
Q: When will suits of armour become fashionable again?
A: When the gunpowder runs out.
Q: Apart from keeping you dry in the rain. is there any other use for an umbrella?
A: it's a wind gauge.
Q: What is the best way to cook ants?
A: Deep fried and then dipped in chocolate. Mmmm! (https://dl.dropboxusercontent.com/u/253164678/yummy.gif)
Q: Why does sound echo?
A: It doesn't, it only sounds like it.
Q: it's there anything positive to say about electricity?
A: Well it's not all negatives. Besides, without it you wouldn't be on here to ask that question.
Q: Which part of a fish do fish fingers come from?
A: From its tiny fingers but you can't really see it because they look like tiny wings.
Q; Why do people say "Good morning" even if it's a lousy day?
A: Because in the morning they don't yet know it will be a lousy day.
Q: How do you get a Walkie Talkie up and running?
A: Start jogging.
Q: Is a Dodge Ram Pickup, meant to be a get-away vehicle? Or is there another reason it's called that?
A: A Dodge Ram is supposed to be able to dodge or ram any vehicle that gets in it's way.
Q: How come Earth doesn't have several moons like Jupiter?
A: Jupiter likes mooning more than Earth
Q: Why do coconuts have milk?
A: Because they're mammals.
Q: Why is water wet?
A: Because a wet T-shirt contest wouldn't be much fun if it wasn't.
Q: Where do pineapples come from?
A: It's a Cockney slang term for what happens after constipation.
Q: What is leading in typography?
A: Times Roman is leading at the moment, but any font could take the lead at any time.
Q: Who killed Cock Robin?
A: A feminist sparrow
Q: Do Mud Baths clean the soul?
A: No, souls are very sticky. I'd try hydrogen peroxide.
Q: What have push-ups ever done for you?
A: Gave me a hernia.
Q: Why can't some people whistle properly?
A: They don't have beaks.
Q: Has toothpaste ever threatened your life?
A: Not since I started buying gluten-free toothpaste
Q: Why are UK coins so heavy?
A: It creates jobs in the pocket repairing industry, of which the royal mint are major shareholders.
Q: Why do trains need rails?
A: Because trains don't use tyres.
Q: Do penguins ever get frost bite?
A: Of course, but we never hear about it because they're not ones for complaining.
Q: What is the difference between a frog and a toad?
A: Frogs like princesses; toads like flies.
Q: How many sheets of paper can you hold without breaking your neck?
A: Maybe I'll tell you when I get out of this brace.
Q: Why are nurses prettier when you're ill?
A: It's a side effect of your medication.
Q: Why do giraffes have such long necks?
A: So they can hold more paper.
Q: Why do batteries leak?
A: Because they get holes in them.
Q: Why are tomatoes a fruit?.
A: Because fruit is round.
Q: Do strainers lead stressful lives?
A: No they spend most of their time relaxing in hospital
Q: Since newspapers make up stories, why can't they be published one day earlier?
A: Because there would be nothing to put in tomorrows newspaper.
Q: Why do Mexican jumping beans jump?
A: Because it is a traditional Mexican dance.
Q: If you let a cat drink a lot of beer, how can you tell when the cat gets drunk?
A: It asks you outside, for a fight,
Q: Why are moths attracted to the light?
A: It's a suicide mission; it happens to lots of people who've seen the light.
Q: What do they have for Sunday Lunch in Tehran?
A: A pie and a pint, to keep them going until supper time.
Q: How does thunder occur?
A: It occurs when Thor raises his magic hammer.
Q: How come Extra-terrestrials never land their UFOs so we can see how they really look like?
A: They need special landing pads, which we don't have here on Earth.
Q: Why does hair fall out?
A: It wants to explore the world.
Q: Is China a real place?
A: It must be: all those Chinese can't be Wong.
Q: Are all antiques second-hand?
A: No, some are third-hand.
Q: What does a healthy breakfast look like?
A: Depends on how awake you are.
Q: Why do motorcyclists at traffic lights go "Brrm, Brrm"?
Two wrist movements.
Never just one "Brrm".
A: Only the limp-wristed do it only once; real motor cyclists do it lots of times
Q: Are scrambled eggs made in a hurry?
A: No, they're made in a pan.
Q: How long is a long stay?
A: About three meters.
Q: Are roses without thorns defenseless?
A: I'll have to chew on that.
Q: What does a traffic jam taste like when it's snowing?
A: Like a salty lemon sorbet, minus the lemon.
Q: Why do churches have bells?
A: Otherwise the gargoyles wouldn't know they had visitors.
Q: Why is writing going slowly today?
A: You're using your feet to write.
Q: What is the the rudest vegetable?
A: The celeriac has a big, edible rude.
Q: What is the unhealthiest vegetable?
A: Carrots, especially carrot juice. Because it neutralizes your sex drive.
Q: Why do cats only have 9 lives, but not 10 or more?
A: More than 9 would be a waste. If they haven't learned their lesson by the the time the 9th life comes along, then they will never learn.
Q: Why do we close our eyes when we sneeze?
A: It helps us to concentrate.
Q: Are potters potty?
A: No, they're crackpots.
Q: What do beachcombers use to comb the beach?
A: Giant wooden combs. Trash hangs on like head lice.
Q: How much consensus is too much?
See that piece of string over there? That much.
Is the Pope a Catholic?
A: If the Pope goes to Catholic church than he must be a Catholic.
Q: Why do Knights wear suits of armor?
A: Because mosquito repellents haven't been invented yet.
Q: Why was recruit Partz promoted to Corporal?
A: Nobody else wanted the job.
Q: What is the tastiest colour in a packet of Skittles (https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Skittles_(confectionery))?
A: The nearest colour
Q: What is therapeutic about washing up?
A: Bubbles, everybody loves bubbles.
Q: Why is there so many vowels in the word queue?
A: Pity for all the orphaned vowels.
Q: How many dimensions does a typical town have?
A: Err. ..3 dimensions, because we live in a 3 dimensional world.
Q: Why do elephants make loud trumpet noises?
A: They used to make harp-like noises, but decided that trumpets were more dignified.
Q: Why are lawns made from grass and not buttercups?
A: So you can practice your putting at home, on the same surface as a golf course.
Q: How much ice is there in an ice cream?
A: Why ask? Surely you're not thinking of adding a couple of ice cream cubes to a glass of scotch? The answer is "none" of course.
Q: Why do we have 10 toes and 10 fingers and not 12?
A: Because Adam & Eve didn't want their kids to look like extra- terrestrials with 12 fingers .
Q: Do animals celebrate and get drunk on New Year's eve?
A: Yes; human animals.
Q: When waves break on the beach, who puts them together again?
A: Fish are experts at the craft. Waves are their offerings to the above-water gods who provide them with sustenance. Rumor has it there's a rising skeptical population.
Q: Were medieval manuscripts written by people or elves?
A: They were dictated by elves and scribbled by men.
Q: Why are football's painted so they don't look like football's?
A: Part of the game is finding the egg.
Q: How many quills does an elf use?
A: 4. One each for black, red, blue and green ink. Though red is only used for corrections and as we all know elves never make mistakes.
Q: Why do bees swarm?
A: The shape of their vocal organs gives them some trouble properly communicating in human speech. They actually like to sun, not swarm.
Q: How many foxes does it take to eat a chicken?
A: No chicken has ever lived to tell the tale, so we don't know.
Q: Why do horses have long noses?
A: So they can sniff out the food lurking in the dark corners at the bottom of their nosebag.
Q: Why do some footballers wear different coloured boots?
A: So they don't kick themselves by accident.
Q: What's the point of fish racing?
A: Fish in cars are awesome.
Q: Are your windows fuzzy?
A: I don't know I can't see through them clearly
Q: What is hairy with pink spots and an umbrella?
A: It's a new species of caterpillar found in the Amazon rain forest, one that doesn't like the rain obviously.
Q: How long should you stay hidden, when playing hide and seek with someone who is hopeless at seeking?
A: Until you get bored.
Q: If you were standing on the Moon, would Australia look upside down?
A: Australia IS upside-down.
Q: Can you imagine a world without onions?
A: Such a thing is inconceivable, it would reduce me to tears.
Q: If jumping with a pole is an Olympic Sport, why not pole dancing?
A: Because they don't want the Olympic stadium to be empty since all the guys will go and see female pole dancing instead.
Q: Why do referees wear stripe shirt?
A: To keep them in mint (http://i.ebayimg.com/00/s/MTE3OFgxNjAw/z/h5AAAMXQCZ1TcpBs/$_35.JPG) condition.
Q: Which is more comfortable, a rocking chair or a swimming pool?
A: A rocking chair, you get a soggy bottom in a swimming pool.
Q: Can you only keep socks in a sock drawer?
A: No, you can wear them.
Q: For what purpose did whistling evolve?
A: Whistling did not evolve. It was created . By the Devil.
Q: What possible use is there for the instinct to pick at a scab?
A: Mark; somewhere: "If thine eye offend thee pluck it out". Self mutilation has a long history.
Q: Why do umbrellas attack the eyes of the people next to you?
A: Because you are holding it at the correct height.
Q: Do you know a secret?
A: Yes, but the person who told me wants to kill me.
Q: Shall I tell him that you know the secret now?
A: Everyone knows it, you put it on the internet.
Q: How long does it take a kettle to boil?
A: It depends on the height:
At the Edge of Space it is boiling already
At Ground Level it takes just less than the time it takes to make a cup of tea
Below Ground Level, it will never boil.
B: When you charge a battery, does it really increase in weight?
A: Of course, that's why some batteries burst and leak as they get too fat for their casings.
Q: What will happen if the earth stops spinning?
A: You've got my head spinning over that one, but I guess it will the day that rjh marries the Pope
Q: Is it cruel to cut flowers?
A: No, it's for their own good, just like cutting your toenails.
Q: Is there a use for discarded coconut shells?
A: Ah! Jaybro with his penchant for finding the suitably nearly clad could supply a good reason but I reckon that if you filled the shells up with concrete you could play Crazy Bowls with them.
Q: Do racing pigeons have relay teams?
A: Unfortunately no, they kept dropping the baton during practice so gave it up.
Q: Why do chillies make your tongue feel as if it's on fire?
A: So that you think you need water on your tongue to get rid of the fire.
Q: Why do birds like to sing when they're resting on a tree?
A: Because they are happy to be home after a long day of pulling worms from the ground.
Q: What sort of hat should you wear when told to put your thinking cap on?
A: thweaty, thmelly, unwathed hat.
Q: Why is English described in Latin as "French tongue"?
A: You have to ask a passing priest for that one.
Q: What happens if you plant a fossil?
A: In a million years someone digs it up and the whole history of evolution is re-written.
Q: Who killed Cock Robin?
A: Fanny Hill
Q: Why was mashed potato invented?
A: The same inventor who invented the ejector seat for helicopters invented a one-handed frog-crusher and was amazed that it didn't sell. A non-scientist marketing guru realised that a frog had about the same consistency as a boiled potato and launched an all-media advertising blitz extolling the virtues of mashed potato. Once mashed potato became fashionable he introduced the potato-masher .
The rest is history.
Q: Can a Scot really dance to the bagpipes?
A: Yes, but only if the Sporran attachment is used
Q: Why do Polar Bears look so cuddly?
A: So other polar bears would cuddle them.
Q: Why do I look so cuddly?
A: You're looking in someone else's mirror.
Q: Where does the water go when it goes down the plughole?
A: Down under.
Q: What type of wine would go with toothpaste?
A: It would have to be a nice bottle of chianti as it has a bit of bite.
Q: Does corn need earmuffs?
A: No. It's not a need, it's a fashion statement.
Q: What do corn and swans have in common? Why are they both called cobs?
A: They both have long necks. This resulted in a case of mistaken identity and people thought they were the same.
Q: When was the Sun invented?
A: Last night, after too much wine.
Q: What's a flashlight for?
A: A flashlight has no strong opinions. If anything, it is against darkness.
Q: Why is it called a flashlight? Does it flash?
A: Only when used by Exhibitionist Voyeurs; hence the name
Q: What type of music is played by an Elastic Band?
A: You're rather limited but pretty much anything from the Beatles Rubber Soul album should suffice.
Q: How quick is quick sand?
A: Very fast - you can't see it for dust
Q: Does a Green Man use a wood burner?
A: It's very unlikely as there's no room for one in that little box at the traffic lights.
Q: Why are strawberry seeds on the outside?
A: The used to be under the skin but then they had a breakthrough.
Q: What do polar bears do if they want a warm bath?
A: Pay their fuel bill like the rest of us have to.
Q: When does apple juice become cider?
A: When it's inside yer.
Q: Do Bees have a sweet tooth?
A: On the contrary. The reason they collect honey is because they think they're doing the world a great favor by removing such toxic waste.
Q: What's a full serving of vegetables?
A: The technical word for it is "Jungle".
Q: What locks do the keys on a keyboard fit?
Caps lock and scroll lock.
Who invented beer?
A: He's known as a very wobbly X because he couldn't sign his name.
Q: Why do blackbirds like bananas? (They do actually!)
A: Because they are nice and soft, even the blackbirds with dentures can eat them.
Q: Why are manholes so called, when women can use them too?
Because many words that include "man" actually refer to "hand". Manholes are holes you put your hand in.
Why are male barnacles called "manacles"?
A. Because womancles would be wrong.
Q. Where can the highest mountain be found?
A: Up the top of a very long hill.
B: Do boxers get to have the punchline?
I don't know. I know what a pun is, but what is a chline?
A Didn't catch the question but the answer is ... ...
Q What time is a dusky maiden?
A: As much as a small cat.
Q: Who killed Cock? Robin?
A No, not Robin, he's far too chicken.
Q Which is the better spectator sport and why,
watching the world go by or sleep walking?
A: Watching the world go by while sleep walking. Try it yourself then you will know why.
Q: What is the point of selfies?
A: To capture the image of that creepy Japanese girl who's always hanging out in your shadow.
Q: Why do rats like avocado?
The seeds don't get caught between their teeth.
If not us, then who?
If not now, when?
A: The cows __ when they come home.
Q: Which dance would best suit a jelly fish?
A: The limbo. No matter how low the limbo bar is, the jellyfish just slithers under it.
Q: How would you know if you ran out of invisible ink?
A: When everything that I write becomes visible instead of invisible.
Q Why do people passing by like to peek at my apartment when my front door is open?
They know that everything about your life is more interesting than theirs.
could you pass an empty can on the footpath without kicking it?
A: Certainly, as an ex rugby player I could pick it up and pass it by hand
Q: Why don't passport photos show you as you would like them to show you?
Mine do. I WANT to look like a human/frog hybrid.
Why do no wedding photographs look happy? Have all the participants just become aware of what a dreadful thing they have just done?
A: They've been told to look happy.
Q: Why do repeat TV shows not wear beyond use?
A: They do. But because they are so embedded in our brain, we never notice.
Q: What can you use your Xmas stocking for, in the remainder of the year?
A: Stuff it with old socks that you no longer use.
Q: Why does a policeman always wear a hat or a helmet?
A: It is somewhere to fix his CTV Camera
Q: Do spider webs have broadband?
A: Spider fiber offers significantly better speeds than broadband.
Q: Do vampires drink orange juice?
A: In Bloody Marys.
Q: Has the time come?
A: It's been and gone. It was well advertised, don't know how you missed it.
Q: What exactly is "the right price"?
A: 60% of what you're prepared to pay.
Q: Was Red Riding Hood in a Communist Mafia?
A: Yes, but she got kicked out as she was too red, even for them.
Q: Who's afraid of the big bad wolf?
Q: If a magician uses magic, is he cheating?
A: No, he cheats when he uses tricks instead of magic.
Q: Why do people throw up at a bus stop?
A: They smell someone else's throwing-up results.
Q: How does information literacy learn how to read?
Immediately after the Summer Solstice.
How can a Christian reconcile that with the existence of chlorophyll?
A: You have to be pretty Green to do that.
Q: How much is a sneeze?
A: Less than a smile, more than cough.
Q: How do you jump really high?
A: Smoke lot's of weed and then jump.
Q: How do you put a ship in a bottle?
Through the bottleneck. How else?
How do you ship something by rail?
A On a train ferry
Q Why do roundabouts not rotate?
A: They actually do, but only when you're not looking.
Q: How do you eat an almond?
A: Coated in chocolate.
Q: Have you considered a career in politics?
A: Yes, unfortunately I failed in my Public Dishonesty requirement test.
Q: What did Obama said when he heard that Madonna is running for the next Presidential election?
A Yes she can
Q Why is the Moon not orange?
(https://thedndsanctuary.eu/imagecache.php?image=http%3A%2F%2Fi.space.com%2Fimages%2Fi%2F000%2F002%2F760%2Fi02%2F070828_japan_eclipse1_02.jpg%3F1292266161&hash=16c31cfe333a0f3233e3f7faf44c3c55" rel="cached" data-warn="External image, click here to view original" data-url="http://i.space.com/images/i/000/002/760/i02/070828_japan_eclipse1_02.jpg?1292266161)
Q: Did the blackbird develop an addiction to maid's noses?
A Of course - that is why a nose is called a pecker (http://www.phrases.org.uk/meanings/217400.html)
B Why do Americans talk dirty (see above)?
A: Err...because some Americans think it is part of what is called Freedom of Speech.
Q: Why do socks get smelly after you wear them so many times?
A: So that strangers will talk to me in the street. I have made some interesting friends this way.
Q:Why is the left sock less smelly than the right?
A: Because right socks think it's right to smell more.
Q: How many Wasas does a Swede eat?
A: They eat until there is nothing left to put on top, the Wasa being essentially an edible plate
Q: How many swedes does a Wassa tribesman (https://uk.answers.yahoo.com/question/index?qid=20120421053745AAoYD4M) eat?
A: As the question itself says, 21 Swedish boys and 20 Swedish girls.
Q: Why doesn't a flashlight flash?
A: Mine does.
Q: Is a cigarette lighter than a match?
A: Don't say things like that out loud, otherwise the matches will go on strike.
Q: Why won't the tax people accept my return when I write it in invisible ink?
A: They're Chinese and can't read English.
Q: How do you operate a puppet?
A: I don't. I can get someone else to do it for me, just by pulling a few strings.
Q: What is the pong in ping-pong?
A: A Chinese mispronunciation of "bong". Ping is the sound you make when you get baked.
Q: What does a phone dream of when it's sleeping?
A: All sorts of ringtones.
Q: What does a male cow say to a female cow before mating?
A: The usual bullshit.
Q: If not, why not?
A: Ask not why, but when?
Q: Can light go backwards?
A: Only when you scare it.
Q: Can a GPS position on Jupiter or Mars?
A: Yes, but you'll have to install your GPS in Kirk's Starship Enterprise.
Q: How come there's no mouse flavored cat food?
A: They do, I had some last week in my fish curry
B: Does a stick insect have a usb connector?
A: Yes the Pentagon is secretly programming robotic stick insects that comes with USB connector and GPS.
Q: What did the Sun say to the Moon right after a solar eclipse?
A: See ya wouldn't want to be ya. :P
Q: Why do Kangaroos hop?
A: Because they don't hip.
Q: Can you be sure of a warm welcome in London?
A: Yes as long as you don't tell them that you recently joined the IRA.
Q: What did the eager cat say to the bird that flew away?
A: Eat you later
Q: Why is qwerty uiop?
A: etaoin shrdlu
Q: Does anyone?
A Only if you are letter perfect
Q What noise does a snail make?
A: A sonic boom.
Q: Where do you keep your valuables?
A: I think it's called a scrotum.
Q: What is truth? I think someone asked that a couple of thousand years ago but it wasn't answered at the time.
A: Truth is in the eye of the Beerholder
Q: If we had exoskeletons would we be warmer?
A: Depends on the suit. But if your exoskeleton is red & yellow like this (http://images5.fanpop.com/image/photos/30700000/Iron-Man-the-avengers-30730321-500-400.jpg) people might think you're Iron Man so you'll have to join the Avengers and beat up the bad guys.
Q: Why do people eat egg-shaped candies on Easter?
A: Because we know that if we didn't eat them, they would attract ants.
Q: What is that strange smell?
Q: I called my Carpet Rover, what did you call yours?
What should we call the new princess Charlotte? Lottie? Charlie? Egbert?
Where is the flatest sea?
Just below where I pee
What did the blonde say after college?
A: Now it's my turn to teach
Q: How do you sharpen an ice cream?
A: Err...with an ice cream sharpener.
Q: Why do some people talk so loud on their cellphone that you can hear every word they say from across the street?
A: Because they are ignorant, feeble-minded, unoriginal, self-centered cretins whose parents met but once, and briefly.
Q: Did I miss anything?
A: ..... and they should count themselves lucky if anyone should want to talk to their retarded selves on their thrice-d*mned phones.
Q: Why do people think their phones are smart?
A: Compared to the people under discussion, a safety pin is smart.
Q: Mirror, mirror, on the wall.
Who is the most irritating poster of all?
A: The guy who kept singing "..oh mama oh Bama..oh mama oh Bama...oh mama oh Bama...".
Q: Mirror, mirror, on the wall. When will Madonna become the next President?
A: When she becomes Vice-president and bores the President to death.
Q: Who or what is Madonna?
A: ♬Like a virgin, ♪touched for the very first time. ♪♬
Q: What did the snake say to the snake-charmer playing the flute?
A: Up yours.
Q: Should it be a crime to steal the show?
A: Only if it's with a smash hit
Q: Is there a picture, anywhere, of God smiling?
A. Yes. It's in Heaven
Q. Should currency be edible?
A. Only if well done.
Q. Is Putin your best friend?
A. No Putin is his own best friend
Q. Why do cats swim doing the dog paddle?
A: Any thing else would be catastrophic.
Q: Who first realised that basil is edible?
A: Err...an Indian shaman, when he decided to eat the basil that he use for medicine because he was hungry.
Q: Why do teenagers nowadays insist on having an expensive iPhone when their parents barely have enough money for groceries?
A: Because this generation of teenagers, unlike ours, have no redeeming features.
Q: Why is it illegal to smack an annoying teenager in the chops?
A: It is not illegal
Q: What is your favourite prison?
A: Alcatraz, because Clint Eastwood escaped from that prison in a movie.
Q: What would you do if you found a bag stacked with $1 million in cash?
A: Count it, and then pay someone to put Mr. Eastwood back into Alcatraz.
Q: How big is a bag of cash worth a million dollars?
A: About twice as big as a thousand dollars.
Q: How do you punch holes?
A. It's no problem if you know the drill
Q. Are Polar Bears magnetic?
A: Yes, insofar as opposites attract.
Q: What do Grizzly Bears grizzle about?
A. Mostly about their diet, Campers pick too many berries and have too much fat nowadays to be a suitable substitute.
Q. Are wobbly knees a sign of vertigo?
A. No, vertigo is a Spanish dance.
Q. What is the sound of one hand clapping?
A: Its the title of a book.
Q: What does a fundamentalist astronomer do for kicks?
A: By playing the classic Space Invaders (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kR2fjwr-TzA&feature=youtube_gdata_player) game.
Q: What type of medicine does Dracula take?
A: Blood thinners.
B. Why do women wear bras?
A: They are up-lifting and make them feel better
Q:Why are elephants bigger than mice?
A: Because all attempts so far to breed one-inch-tall mahouts have met with failure.
Q: Who invented the narwhal?
A: Someone with a sense of humour, if you get the point
Q: Is there such a thing as a weed-eating flower?
A: My cow, Daisy, eats thistles.
Q: Why do we name females after flowers?
A: It's all to do with pollination.
Q: Why don't chins go bald?
A: They do. My neighbour, Lee Chin, is bald as a billiard ball and about as good-looking.
Q: Why do women find me irresistible?
Q: Women are not always rational creatures
A: Do a person's ashes contain their soul?
A: Maybe God knows the answer, but when a person smoke tobacco some of the ashes get sucked into his mouth.
Q: Why does smoking tobacco makes a person calm?
A: It doesn't, you just can't see my eyes glinting through the smoke when you light up.
A: Why don't cars have 5 wheels for greater stability?
Answer: Penguins could be called black and white, though if you wish for the colours black and white then you have gray, technecally.
Q: What would the answer be, if I were to ask what was a question>?
A: The Devil's playground.
Q: What use is grease?
A: Something to watch (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TGbTkzR0Pnk&feature=youtube_gdata_player)
Q: Is the planet Kepler 452 (http://www.nasa.gov/press-release/nasa-kepler-mission-discovers-bigger-older-cousin-to-earth/) inhabited by Klingons?
A: Yes - according to the last Klingon I met
Q: Why do people kling on to outmoded ideas?
I don't cnow.
How can you tell that an idea IS outdated?
A. As soon as you get past it.
B. If you could be reborn as either a mole or a jellyfish, which one would you choose and why?
A: I would choose a jellyfish, because what's more fun than jelly?
Q: What's more fun than jelly?
A: Vegimite is more fun, Aussies make alcohol from it.
Q: What sort of gravy would you have with bananas?
A: Pineapple gravy. It's the bee's knees.
Q: What would you do if you were an agent of SHIELD?
A: Google it so I would know what it meant.
Q: Why not?
A: Because it's not there.
Q: If a match is made in Heaven, where are fireworks made?
A: In Hell, of course. Those things are dangerous!
Q: Who's talking non-violence?
A: Talibans of course. That is, when they used to carry a farmer stick instead of a surface-to-air rocket stinger on their shoulder.
Q: Shouldn't Capt Kirk use an iPhone instead of using those cheaper flip-phone communicator?
(https://thedndsanctuary.eu/imagecache.php?image=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.cellphones.ca%2Fimages%2Fnews%2F2010%2F11%2Fcaptain-kirk-communicator.jpg&hash=e726020c3f82b39c7db8a0d3fc5f91d0" rel="cached" data-warn="External image, click here to view original" data-url="http://www.cellphones.ca/images/news/2010/11/captain-kirk-communicator.jpg)
A: Oh iphones went bust years before Kirk took flight, they could not overcome the competition from smartarse android phones with the new, dial-a-flavour lollipop attachments (see your picture)
Q: Why can't we use icons instead of numbers?
A: I do.
Q: Doesn't everybody?
B: Did Adam and Eve have navels?
A: No. However, Adam's ribectomy scar didn't heal too neatly.
Q: What were codpieces made of?
Q. Why do Crabs walk sideways?
A: Because their underpants are too tight.
Q: How do you know if you've reached the top?
A. When your head stars spinning
Q. Why are clouds never blue?
A: Because Thor likes to sit on a white cloud.
Q: What would happen if Earth has two moons?
A. We would have lost thousands of moons (http://qi.com/infocloud/the-moon)
Q. Is mooning good for you?
A: Yes, it keeps the moon happy.
Q: Why do we get nightmares at night?
A. We don't; nightmares are just daydreams.
Q. Do flying fish make nests?
A: No, they get the builders in.
Q: Why do pirates walk the plank?
A. To get to the Plancton
Q. How do you dig a ditch underwater?
A: With a special wet suit for your shovel.
Q: How do you fold a folder?
A. When you have sh*t folders
B. How can watching paint dry be made less boring?
A: By playing mobile video games on your phone while you sit next to the paint.
Q: Do dragons eat Dragon fruit?
A. They like it hot
Q. Why does nice rhyme with lice?
A: Because it also rhymes with rice, mice, and ice, which has nothing to do with vice or dice.
Q: Do ghosts and vampires go to church on Halloween?
A: Yes they do --- they like Church because it scares the bejesus out of them.
Q:. Why don't currency notes have perforated tear strips to get small change?
A: Because those are so hard to tear straight.
Q: Why don't cats climb to the moon?
A: Because cats and werewolves don't get along when it turns to a Full Moon.
Q: How does a mother fly teach her baby fly how to fly?
A: She tosses it in the water.
Q: Why doesn't rain fall up?
A: Because ♬What goes up must come down (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kK62tfoCmuQ&feature=youtube_gdata_player) ♪
Q: How does a cow scratches its back?
A: It goes out in a hail storm.
Q: Are Unicorns real?
A: It goes out in a hail storm.
A: When you're asleep, Unicorns are very real in your dream.
Q: What did Spiderman say to Batman?
A: Aren't you in the wrong movie.
Q: How can you lose your memory?
A:. It fades away
Q:. What were we talking about?
A: We were talking about Spiderman vs Batman movie that doesn't exist.
Q: Why are there no restaurants serving only for pets?
A: Pets are too demanding in terms of food quality.
Q: Why is it so cold in fridges?
A: Because inside the fridge the sun doesn't come out to warm up the temperature so the fridge stays cold all year long.
Q: How come we have Police Dogs but no Police Cats?
A: Because cats don't like doughnuts
Q: Why do strawberries have their seeds on the outside?
Because cats don't like doughnuts
A: There was a fairly tale when Noah's Ark crashed the strawberries cracked and the seeds got stuck on the outside.
Q: Why do police officers like to hang out at the doughnut shop in the morning?
A: Because that's where criminals go for breakfast.
Q: Why does a washing machine spin round?
A: It's possessed by demons.
Q: Why does ice cream melt before you can eat it.
A: Because it doesn't want to get eaten. Duh. :P
Q: Why is it 25° C?
Because that's where criminals go for breakfast.
A: Because it's not 25°F.
Q: Why does it get so hot in the summertime?
A: Because the CIA likes seeing pictures of Putin without a shirt.
Q: How many dragons can sit on a wall at the same time?
A: Dragons don't sit on walls as it gives them haemorrhoids.
Q: Why do wolves howl at the moon?
A because it tickles them.
Q what do preachers preach?
Q: What did Dracula say to the mosquito?
A: Wipe your mouth!
Q: What does a mug scratch?
A: A drunken nose.
Q: Why dogs like to bark?
A: Someone told them that cats don't like it and the cats have laughed at them ever since.
Q: What can you do with a rusty nail?
A: Sell it to the goblins for a pot of gold.
Q: Do cows like to drink milk?
A: Yes but only if it's semi-skimmed as they like to keep an eye on their figure.
Q: What happens if you swallow your chewing gum?
Q: Should elephants use a zebra crossing?
A: Only if it is on a trunk road.
Q: Why do golf balls have dimples?
A: They smile too much.
Q: Why can jumps tire you?
A: The more tire(tyre) you have on your belly the more it tires you to do jumps.
Q: How does a mother fish teach its baby fish how to swim?
A: She just yells "sink or swim baby".
Q: Why are traffic lights red, amber and green?
A: They are political statements
Q: Why does what goes around come around?
A: We wouldn't know the time of day if it didn't.
Q: When is the next time?
A: When the time comes.
Q: Why do garbage stink?